Guilt
by Lady Fael
Summary: Tristan is leaving for Military School, and Rory feels downright strange. What happens when she acts on one of those 'spur of the moment things', as Lorelai would say? [Finished]
1. Doubts

Guilt

**Disclaimer: None of these characters belong to me, of course. **

Sitting on her couch at home, Rory felt as though a significant piece of her life had been violently wrenched away from her. He was gone and she wouldn't hear his scorning laugh again, wouldn't see his cocky smile, his blue eyes that lit up when he saw her. _He only likes to talk to me because he likes to tease me so much,_ Rory told herself firmly. But, really, she knew and had all along that there was something else hidden beneath the depths of Tristan's teasing manner towards her. She had thought that after offering her tickets to a concert he wanted to go to with her he was done with insignificant little Rory. But he wasn't. He got scolded constantly in class for staring at her, which was very embarrassing, and still seemed to be trying to get her to go out with him.

Why had she always refused him anyway? Sure, he was really bothersome, teasing her all the time and giving away the few secrets they shared as soon as he could. But still…he seemed to really like her. And then a disconcerting question she'd never considered before occurred to her: did _she _like _him_? Of course not. He was annoying and all the secrets she had ever told him didn't remain secrets for long. But he cared. He really did. And with his bright blue eyes and blond hair…

And she would never see him, hear him, nor speak to him again. She'd let him go just like that: "Goodbye Tristan," and it was all over, the nuisance of her life was gone. But it didn't seem so simple. While Rory sat on the couch, tormented by thoughts of Tristan and the harsh life he'd have to face at Military School, she couldn't help feeling guilty. But for what? He should be the one feeling guilty! For teasing Rory whenever he could, for attempting to steal money from someone's vault, for being such a pest. And yet it was Rory who felt the strange guilt. Why? It wasn't her fault he was going to Military School. It wasn't her fault that he'd stolen from that vault. And then it hit her; but it was her fault that he was miserable.

A while later, Rory found herself knocking on the door of Tristan's grand manor. A petite maid answered the door, and she seemed to shrink in on herself the longer they stood there. "Hello, this is Rory. Could I talk to Tristan please?" she asked nervously. An inchoate idea had wormed its way into her mind and she had to try it out. But she was still filled with a hesitance, with trepidation, that what she was doing was wrong. Tristan would come to the door, smirk at her, ask her what she wanted. Then she would be horribly embarrassed and wish she had never come. But the maid had already disappeared back inside the large house and Rory couldn't just hop in her car and run away from everything now. She had to wait and see what would happen.

Soon, the maid returned. She bobbed her head apologetically and said to Rory, "Tristan has gone already. He should be at the airport if you urgently need to talk to him. Otherwise he should be back for some of the holidays." And just like that the little maid shut the door behind her and Rory could only faintly hear her retreating footsteps. What now? Tristan was at the airport, waiting for his plane to Military School to arrive, and she was too late. Or maybe it was a sign that her idea had been dumb and she should give it up now. But that wasn't Rory.

Half an hour or so later, Rory found herself standing in front of the majestic entrance to the airport. Hesitantly, she pushed open the glass doors and stepped into the air-conditioned building. Taking a deep breath and clenching and unclenching her hands, she started to walk in the direction she imagined she would most likely find Tristan. Soon she found herself weaving through a large, bustling line of impatient, fussy people. "Excuse me," she muttered, pushing her way through. "Sorry." Near the front of the line, about to step up to the counter behind which she would lose him forever, Rory saw Tristan. She took another shuddery breath and hurriedly pushed her way to the front of the line.

"Watch it! You can't just cut in front of all of us like that! Who do you think you are?" a large woman scolded Rory hotly. And she had still not reached Tristan. He was giving over his passport…But at the sound of the woman's voice he turned around. When Tristan saw Rory his large blue orbs grew wider and rounder and he looked honestly surprised and overjoyed to see her.

"Rory?" he asked incredulously. She nodded quickly to him, motioning to a bench a little way away from the line. Tristan turned his back to her and consulted the man behind the desk, who gave him back his passport and called out, "Next!" Tristan hurriedly followed Rory to a wooden bench reclining against the glass wall of the airport. "What is it?" he asked, looking at her with a strange, dazed look instead of his usual cocky and teasing one.

"Well," Rory began, hesitantly. "I thought the way that you just said, 'Bye' and I accepted it wasn't enough. I just wanted to give you a proper goodbye, that's all." Tristan looked a little forlorn but also happier than he had while standing in the line. Rory felt like she was expected to add something. Tucking a stray lock of hair behind her ear nervously, she added, "And I wanted to say…well…thanks, I guess. I mean, you were really annoying and everything, but it was still…fun…sometimes. So thanks."

Tristan looked abashed and ashamed. He looked away for a moment, running one hand on his suitcase absently, and then looked back at Rory, smiling. "You can't thank me. I have been really annoying toward you, haven't I? I guess it was just a…just a way to…" Tristan stopped talking. _What a coward I am,_ he thought with disgust. _I can't tell her my feelings even now when I'll never see her again. I have to. I have nothing to lose anyway. And she came all the way to the airport, too. _Taking a deep breath, Tristan started afresh. "I was really annoying to you and I'm sorry. I guess it was just my strange way of showing you how much I…like…you." Tristan flushed red despite everything, but he wouldn't look away from Rory.

Rory was, in a way, surprised and in another not at all. She shrugged, smiling. "And I'm sorry I didn't acknowledge that," she told him honestly. "If things had been different and you weren't…going away…I think we might have…"

Tristan looked heartbroken. His eyes shone with unshed tears and he hugged his arms around himself. "Don't finish that sentence," he murmured his voice cracked and hurt-sounding. Quickly he stood up, looking down at a melancholy Rory now. And then he leaned down and hugged her. Not stiffly, but honestly, containing everything he thought of her. He wouldn't kiss her. She would just hate him for that and he didn't want to make her hate him now, again, after she'd shown that she did, at least a little, care. When he was done he stepped away from her, gave her a sad, watery smile, and then returned to the line.

Rory was shocked by that hug. Frankly, she was shocked that he hadn't just kissed her as the normal Tristan would have done without any feelings of remorse. She was shocked that he was almost crying. She was shocked that the hug had contained so much hidden emotion. Rory felt tears rising to the surface of her eyes as well and had to hug her arms around herself to prevent herself from running back to Tristan, who'd reached the front of the line again, and returning that hug. He was giving over his passport. The man behind the glass took it, returned it, and then nodded to Tristan. Tristan gave Rory one last, sad and yet relieved look, and then disappeared behind the doors.


	2. The Future

**Disclaimer: Once again, I do not own anything concerning Gilmore Girls, especially the characters.**

"OK, that'll be $10 and fifty cents, ma'am," the brown-haired, freckled eighteen-year old boy standing behind the counter informed her. Rory sighed and pulled out her wallet, counting out exactly $11, all in one dollar bills. She looked at the boy apologetically, but he wasn't looking at her but at his cash register. "Do you want money back?" he asked, in the same chirpy, forcefully cheerful and practiced kind of voice he'd used before. Rory decided that paying him in just dollar bills was enough trouble for the boy and shook her head no, leaving him a tip. She picked up the paper grocery bag by the handles and started to lug it to the exit of the grocery store. God, how could a carton of eggs, a few bottles of water, a carton of milk and some flour be so heavy?

She was staring down at her shuffling feet, concentrating on making them go forward one at a time, when she suddenly felt the heavy grocery bag lifted away from her. What a relief. But wait…Was someone trying to steal her food items? Rory's head shot up violently and her eyes met bright blue orbs that seemed to laugh at her. Startled, she took a few staggering steps backward to take in the whole picture, the impossible picture that she was seeing. It was impossible and she had given up hope of it ever happening, but here it was. She'd waited six years…

He was gorgeous as always, with his lively blue eyes that always seemed to mock her and his stand-up blond hair. He looked a little different now, more muscular and more tense, not as relaxed and teasing as before, perhaps. He held her heavy bag as easily as though it weighed nothing, and he was smiling _down _at her for sure now, taller than before. Though there was something a little wrong…His smile was still the crooked smile she knew, and yet it had lost a lot of its cockiness. His eyes were still bright but a lot of the tease had been drained from them. He was paler, a little unhealthier looking despite the muscles, and skinnier. Sadly, Rory reflected that Military School must have been harsh and had taken a lot away from him in exchange for muscles.

"Your Knight in Shining Armor is here for you, O Weak Damsel in Distress," Tristan teased, grinning. But his voice wasn't as loud and obnoxious as before, more subdued, his tone not as carefree. Rory lifted a single eyebrow at him and then had to burst into hysterical laughter.

"Tristan!" she finally managed to gasp, clutching her side. Suddenly she was sobered again and looked at him a little sadly. "How was Military School?" she asked, trying to shift the awkwardness growing between them. He shrugged, putting down her grocery bag, as though he didn't really want to talk about it. But Rory persisted. "Was it too harsh, or OK?" she asked, pursuing the subject. Again, Tristan shrugged stiffly. "Did you meet any pretty girls to tease?" she demanded, regretting the words as soon as they left her mouth. Tristan suddenly looked melancholy, and Rory awkwardly realized that she knew what he was thinking: _No one could replace you. _

Tristan wanted to change the subject as badly as she did. "It was harsh," he chose to answer her second question instead. "All these exercises everyday. And you got punished for really simple things. The punishments were…harsh…as well," he finished uncomfortably. Rory wanted to cry. Was that why he'd lost his cocky manner? Because if he hadn't he would have been 'punished'? "Besides, there weren't any girls at the school. It was an all-boys school." Tristan seemed to be inviting her to make a joke, ease the stiffness from the air.

But she didn't. "I missed you," Rory informed him, blushing and looking at the ground though perfectly honest. She had missed him, despite all the other boyfriends she'd had. "And I'm glad you're home."

Tristan looked away, playing with the handles of the grocery bag. When he looked at her again his features were strained and sad once more. "My father says that if I don't get married soon I have to join the military," he told her, softly. Rory gasped, outraged. The military?

"Do you want to?" she asked, looking at him not with pity, which she knew he would resent, but with determination.

"What? Get married?" Tristan let out a weak laugh though there was nothing funny about the matter.

"No, join the military," Rory informed him seriously, still not breaking her unfaltering gaze.

"Of course not," Tristan answered as though it were obvious. "Military _School _was bad enough. I don't want to actually kill anyone for real." He looked devastated at the thought.

"But you're too young to get married," Rory reflected, thinking of her desperation to be a journalist and how marrying now would be like throwing her life away, not starting it.

Tristan shrugged. "Not really. Besides, I don't have a choice, do I?" He was looking at the glass doors of the grocery store as though his future wife lurked there, looking in at them. It was Rory's turn to shrug.

"And do you want to get married?" Rory asked, softly. Tristan looked at her with all his former cockiness, his former playful manner, gone entirely.

"It depends. If it's to a certain person…" Tristan whispered, reaching out a hand in the direction of Rory's cheek. She flinched away, and then felt guilty. Rory looked at him again to make up for it. "I would rather get married than join the military, though." Rory nodded her agreement at his decision. And then suddenly Tristan was even more serious than before. "Rory," he whispered, his voice very faint. "Will you marry me? I don't have a ring or anything, but…"

Rory looked and felt heartbroken. She wouldn't get married now, not even if she found her perfect match. Now was maybe the worst time, just as she was trying to get the job of her dreams. And then there was Logan…"I can't, Tristan," she answered him sadly, softly but firmly. Tristan looked away as though ashamed he'd asked. "There's my job, and then I have this boyfriend, Logan." Tristan nodded his understanding. Rory had a huge lump in her throat and only crying would loosen it. Was she sending Tristan, through her hurtful words and her refusal, into the military?

Tristan looked at her thoughtfully. "Of course not. Of course you wouldn't want to marry me. I mean, who would? I was a jerk to you. And you haven't seen me for years, so it's no surprise, really. I didn't think you would say yes. I fantasized about it in Military School, but I don't think I ever really believed it. But that's OK; I'll find some other way." Trying to smile, Tristan eventually had to turn away from Rory, her eyes filling with tears.

"Tristan, you can't just walk up to a random girl, or propose to someone you've been dating for just a while. If she said yes and you got married, you wouldn't have a happy marriage. You have to really find someone…someone special. The right person," Rory finished, a sob punctuating the end of her sentence. She looked away from Tristan for a brief moment and then back, bravely fighting down the rising tears. "And I'm not, no matter what you think, that person. Really." She sounded as though she were trying to comfort herself more than him.

Again, Tristan merely looked thoughtful. "I'll take your suggestions into consideration, Rory," he told her honestly, smiling. "Thanks…Mary." He managed a weak grin, and Rory grinned in return at his mention of the name he'd used to torture her with before he went to Military School. "Here are your groceries," he said, handing her the bag. And then, briskly, he walked out the door, leaving Rory with the bag of groceries her mom had asked her to buy, and disappeared for the second time, leaving Rory to wonder if there would be another miraculous encounter, and when.

-----

"Then no, Logan, I won't marry you," she told him gently but firmly. And as Rory watched Logan exit the room, his back to her, she couldn't help it that her mind ran to her future after she had really gotten a good start on her dream job, being a journalist. The possibilities of the future seemed endless, and one of them contained a certain blue eyed, blond haired boy who had loved her since her first day at Chilton.


End file.
